Thinking About What's Next For Me

For roughly the last two months, I've been in North Carolina, working for the Democratic Party in this state to elect Hillary Clinton, Deborah Ross, Roy Cooper, and the whole ticket. Unfortunately, the only piece of that which is coming to pass is Roy Cooper, who's election is a monumental victory for the LGBT community over a homophobic governor, and for decency and understanding everywhere over bigotry and scapegoating of whole groups of people. Of course, his victory is still subject to a recount.

Yesterday I took a ride with one of my organizers out to close up a couple of her offices. The ride took a couple hours from Raleigh, and frankly was helpful for me. In listening to her talk about her internal conflict over whether or not to go back to Myanmar to work, I realized two very disturbing things about myself and the future:

1. I no longer have a real plan for the future. That plan came crashing down with Tuesday's loss, as going back to DC and looking for a government role is no longer an option.
2. I have no f***ing clue what I even really want to do next. 

The first observation was something obvious, something I would probably have come to at some point in the next week, as I come out of the fog of tiredness that follows all elections. There isn't going to be a Clinton Administration in 2017. I didn't go to the Obama Administration. If I still want to chase the dream of working at some (any) level in an administration, I'll have to do that in 2020 or later. 

The second point alarmed the hell out of me. Do I want to wait until 2019 in this game, and go back to Iowa or South Carolina, or go to New Hampshire or Nevada, or better yet, HQ for a candidate? Do I want to do elections in between? Do I want to go back to school, full or part time, to finish a grad degree? What is the dream now? Beyond the dream, I basically just put off some of the prime years of my young adulthood waiting on something that never happened. I'm 33 now. Do I want a wife and kids? Do I want stability? Do I want to keep living out of suitcases as I'm dropped into new places, some of which are more exciting than others? This experience in North Carolina was shorter than I am used to, and yet it was one of the most draining experiences I've had. I'm happy I did it. I'm grateful to the campaign for giving me the opportunity. I just am leaving somewhat disappointed.

I have absolutely zero intention of leaving politics any time soon. The 2016 election left me disgusted on many levels, and I'm just sad for the country right now. I see my party being ripped apart by a civil war over it's future direction, and I also see the other party taking aim at destroying Medicare, rolling back LGBT rights, and following an environmental doctrine of science-denial, to say the least of their sins. Whether it's as a staff person for a campaign, a party leader on the state Democratic Party, or as a candidate for public office, I'm not walking away right now. I think our nation is doing itself a great disservice right now. I want to be a part of the fight to bring it back, somehow or other. I just don't know exactly how that will look for me.

I have a million and one questions in my head right now, and many of them were spurred by that one conversation over several hours. What in the hell is next for me? Could several things be next for me? I honestly count 2016 as one of the worst years of my life- deaths in the family, the death of my dog, near financial ruin, and losing this damn election- and yet I had some of the highest honors (The Easton Democrats honoring me as Young Dem of the Year and Moravian naming me to the Alumni Board) in this same year. I really need to clear my head.

In the immediate term, I'm here through Monday, at least. When I leave here, I plan on making a stop in Philadelphia or Washington, DC, or both for a night. I'll go home for a day or two then, and then I'll go to New York City for a day or two. After that it will be Thanksgiving, I'll get a chance to throw back some cold ones with the people I grew up with, hear about their lives, and maybe forget about mine for a few days. After that? I guess then it'll be time to not be in this fog, not be unsure, and not have any more doubts. I'm an extremely confident person in my own talents, but for now I have to figure out what I'm going to use them for.